Short answer….YES!
As much as I hate to say this, I’ve been in the professional world for ~gasp~ almost 35 years. I’ve seen a lot of “flavor of the day” programs. They’re supposed to make you more competitive, more organized, get ahead, get your dream job. For years my friends, colleagues and I tried valiantly to accomplish just what these programs promised, only to find we never really moved the needle. Then came “mentoring.”
If you dig back through the history, articles will tell you mentoring has its roots in Homer’s “The Odyssey.” When Odysseus went to fight the Trojan War, he left his son with the character, Mentor. He was entrusted to groom the boy to be king should Odysseus not return. Debate still reigns whether The Odyssey is a true story or complete fiction. But, what isn’t debated is how the role of Mentor then translates into the role of Mentor today. WOW! Homer really had it going on way back in 8th Century BC!
Mentoring in the 80s
Back to the story…I first started hearing the term “mentor” in the late 1980s. At that time what I was hearing sounded more like a boss than a mentor. I’d had enough of those, working in a mostly male-dominated industry where women were still viewed as secretaries, regardless of their responsibilities. I didn’t need more “bosses”, so I blew off the idea. But everywhere I turned, there were articles about the importance of having a mentor to advance your career. They all said it needed to be a formalized, structured program, and that you needed to interview a lot of people before choosing your mentor. Oh….this is getting complicated.
Not Another Boss
I talked to a lot of women about mentoring and not many had one. If they did, it sounded more like they had “someone who tells me what to do” relationships. The fact of the matter is, at that time it was difficult to find successful women who were willing to give you a hand up. Many were more likely to step on you on their way up.
I wanted so badly to progress my career and not be held back because I wore a skirt and heels (remember, it was the 80s and professionals wore suits every day). I’ve never been good with being told what to do, and I just might have a bit of a stubborn independent streak in me. What I needed was someone to push me, keep me focused, and help me figure it out on my own.
My First Mentor
Then, I met an amazing woman. We belonged to many of the same community organizations and volunteered with many of the same non-profits. Our paths crossed frequently, and in short order we developed a strong professional relationship. I was a pretty newly minted professional, while she had worked her way up the corporate ladder to a significant position. Every time I saw her she asked me three things 1) what’s new; 2) what’s next; 3) what do you need. With those three, simple questions, and a relationship of trust, I had a mentor.
While we never had a formal mentoring relationship, at least not by book standards, for years she helped me navigate my career path. I could pick up the phone any time and bend her ear. She challenged what I thought were challenges, questioned my thought processes, and poked holes in my ideas. While some of our conversations were a bit “painful” in the sense of “get your head out of your pocket”, she never made me think less of myself but rather refocused me on my potential, dreams and goals. And, she taught me real-life “pay it forward” by encouraging me to always look to lift others up to their potential. When she passed away unexpectedly in 1997, I felt a real loss. But she taught me enduring principles that continue to play a significant role in my life.
One is Not Enough
Since then, I’ve not had just one person who I’d consider my mentor, I have many. It’s not about having a single person I can turn to when I need to get shoved, or pulled, off the edge of an idea. I surround myself with people of varying backgrounds, experiences, and hutzpah who are “my collective.” These are people who challenge my challenges, question my thoughts, and poke holes in my ideas. They ask a lot of questions to really know me, deep down inside, my values and my dreams, and care enough to tell me to “snap out of it” or “go for it and don’t look back.” These people understand that to be a good mentor is not to give all the answers but rather to ask all the questions. That, my friends, is why you need a mentor.
I’ve been involved in developing mentoring/matching programs, teaching how to be a mentor and a mentee, and continue to mentor a handful of young professionals. More recently, I mentored a high school senior and while we had a few rough spots connecting (high schoolers have such crazy schedules now days!!), I think we both walked away thinking a little differently about a lot of things.
Finding a Mentor
Today, there are really good programs for those seeking some sort of mentoring, including life coaches and career coaches, or through young professional programs, industry associations, and chambers of commerce. Ask your friends, family and co-workers. Everyone knows someone who would be a valuable addition to your life. And, there’s a terrific online community called OKReal (www.okreal.com) that’s making some amazing connections.
Look, the truth is I’m not an expert on mentoring. I am an expert on the tribe I’ve had around me most of my career. I’ve run a rocky and twisted career road, but have always had this team running by my side cheering me on and helping me figure out when to take the fork. I am blessed to be surrounded by many women, in particular, who are more interested in lifting others up rather than using them as stepping stones. It’s because of my collective or tribe, aka “mentoring”, that I’ve had a successful, and fulfilling, professional life and I am who I am today.
If you’re considering a mentor, here are my…
TOP 5 TIPS FOR FINDING A MENTOR
- It’s NOT a sign of weakness to want a mentor or ask someone for advice! Let’s face it….while our hearts say being good at what we do, or being kind will move us ahead, the reality is it also takes strategy, focus and discipline. Success and achieving goals are rarely an individual sport, I don’t care what all the bigshots say.
- Forget about looking to your company for mentoring. You don’t need another coach. You need someone who has no direct vested interested in, and cannot directly influence, your outcome. And, you need someone who’ll tell you just where the bear poops in the woods without fearing HR reprisal!
- Build your network….MEET PEOPLE! The more people you know, and who know you, the better your opportunity to build relationships with people who can support goals. Don’t forget to use technology! Ask for introductions through your LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, etc. contacts. Study people’s profiles (not in a stalker kind of way!) to determine if someone might be a good resource for you. Then jump right in and ask if they will be your sounding board.
- It’s o.k. to not settle on just one person. You will find that different people bring different talent to your table. Welcome them all with open arms. Aim to fill your “table” with people from different industries, roles, position tenure, generations, lifestyles, and educational backgrounds. Think of it like the game, “The 6 people I’d love to have for dinner.” Gather them all together on occasion; they’ll appreciate the networking opportunity.
- Embrace diversity. You’ve probably heard the saying, “Boy, I thought I had it bad until I met…..” I learned about bravery from a former professor who escaped communist Cuba with her family in 1959; strength from a college student in 1985 who was afraid to say she was from Iran; and determination from a woman who broke the cycle of generations of abuse. The value of diversity is immeasurable.
Coming Soon: we’ll talk about what mentoring is, and is not, along with the difference between coaching and mentoring. In the meantime, let me know what you think in Comments below….I’d love to hear from you.
